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9.29.04 A Modest Proposal

The Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Instead of us all squabbling over the Second Amendment, we should put it to good use in the national interest.

The Bushies are spending all the big money in Iraq. Homeland Security can't really protect our borders, inspect shipping cargo, or get their airport act together (because the money is going to Iraq). And the Attorney General's office keeps waving the red flag about terrorists disrupting our November elections.

Therefore, my proposal is this:

On Nov. 2, all our gun-toting self-styled patriots should be required to arm themselves up with their hard-won legal weaponry and watch polls. There will finally be no argument over what was meant by a "well-regulated militia." Gun owners will clearly be "necessary to the security of a free state." They won't have to pretend they need assault weapons for deer hunting anymore.

Give these patriots a paid holiday from work. Make them wear their hunter oranges for uniforms, with their gun licenses in see-through pouches and steciled somewhere: "I am protecting your right to vote." Make them sign an oath to assure everyone in their assigned precinct will be safely allowed to vote no matter their political persuasion. In high alert neighborhoods, they can escort people to the polls, either on foot or in their humvees and pickup trucks. They are required to smile, offer boy scout type assistance, and limit conversation to happy-talk about America the Beautiful and our wonderful right to vote. Oh yeah, no drinking.

The poll-watchers should be strongly urged not to fire their weapons and especially not to kill anyone. But they are defenders. They must be willing to shoot in defense of the voter. And they should be willing to die for the rights of voters. The NRA has assured us that gun owners are the most courageous of patriots. Haven't they?

Of course, we'll probably need U.N. inspectors to monitor the whole experiment -- a sop to liberals. Any armed poll watcher caught misbehaving will have his weapon and license confiscated and issued an appearance ticket by whatever actual law enforcement happens to be in the vicinity.

So what could go wrong? November 2, 2004, could be the Safest Day in U.S. History.

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